Humanity is dyeing. Am I the only one who sees that mankind is de-evolving? I am not being melodramatic. I'm quite serious. In the 50's, Americans were all tight-assed about being the most civilized on the planet. They sought to reach new heights of social order and understanding. But they pushed too hard. Their children pushed back. Hence the 60's. The "hippies" started out trying to resist the massive social constraints of their parents. So they rebelled. They aimed for peace and freedom. Then their ideals became "make love, not war". Because of their parents' repressive ways, insisting on sex only after marriage, those who dreamed of freedom from oppression turned a complete 180. Instead of accepting moderation as the only way to true peace, they went completely pro-sex, and anti-conflict. They went too far. Even today, coming on 50 years later, we are still trying to recover from the massive turbulence of the times. Today, few are concerned with sex before marriage. That is fine. As far as social stability goes, sex before marriage has nearly no relevance. What matters is how much. Moderation is the only way to subtly affect social order without causing extreme distortion. I watch as these days morals and ethics are only related to religion. As if religion were the only way these traits can be communicated. That is a false belief. My ex-coworker, Bernie once told me that he sent his children to Catholic school not for the religious training, but instillment of ethics and morality. Why is it that those who do not need a savior seem incapable of accepting human social values? It appears that ethics and morals are too strongly enforced in religion, and in rebellious response, those without religion deny moral values. It is a constant on-going war that is merely repeating the same mistakes made 50 years ago. This may seem a rather general article, however, I have a specific point in mind. I am a watcher. I am a listener. It is my nature. Yet I am denied the ability to truly participate. I am like a VCR, recording all that goes on in the movie, but not being a part of it. It is a curse. Ignorance is truly bliss. Many think that intelligence gives one the ability to avoid the mistakes of others. This is partially true. I can watch others make mistakes, and through observation, avoid those mistakes myself. But what about those I care about? How can I avoid their mistakes for them? I cannot. And because of my own innate empathy, I feel their mistakes, even though I do not make them. For this reason I have had to close my heart to several people I cared about. My mother, sister, and several others are among those who repeatedly refused to learn from their mistakes. I watched them suffer for their own inability to adapt. And in watching, I suffered as well. And so I closed my heart to them. Occasionally, I am struck with a moment of curiosity as to whether they are dead or alive. The moment never lasts long. I resist it. I make a conscious effort to not feel for them. It requires all my will sometimes, but I have always persevered. I am not cold-hearted. Quite the contrary. I am too soft-hearted. That is why their pain hurts me. I do not feel pain for myself. I do not know what the joy of a deep personal bond feels like. For my own emotions, I only feel frustration, and primarily anger. My anger is rarely caused by what is within me. Usually by what is external of me. There are times when my brother antagonizes me, or a game irritates me, and I become angered. But this anger is nothing as to what is produced by the pain I feel. It seems as though nearly all my emotions become anger. When someone I care about does something to hurt themselves, it feels to me as a personal attack. Only when I feel the pain of others do I reach a level of deep boiling rage. That is when my will is taxed the most. I wrote a poem named "The Demon Within". That is what I feel. Every time I feel the pain of another, that pain strikes my demon, and he retaliates with raw rage. That is the force I must always contain. To lose grip on my demon would be to become the demon. I am always in fear of what the demon would do if released. There have been a couple times in my life when he nearly succeeded in escaping. In times like that it is a contest between my will and his rage. When that happens, I am unable to do anything. Locked in a stasis, yet also locked in a battle. Time is running out, and I fear the worst. I try to help those whom I care about, yet they seem incapable of accepting my help. I watch and listen. Helpless to save those dear to me. This is my curse. This is my life. This is my pain. This I seem to never escape. Will it ever stop? Will someone please listen to me? Am I doomed to be alone yet smothered in the pain and foolishness of others? Is there anyone who can lift my burden? I have searched, but never found such a person. Several people I have encountered in my life have seemed to be able to help me. All eventually were unable. Having hope can be a harsh burden in itself. If I am never to find peace, or never to find someone to share with, what is the point of my existence? Most do not even realize it, but they have a reason to live. Even my semi-suicidal brother has reason to live. They do not see their reason. Shall I tell them? I know why they live. Could they tell me why I do? I think "if they cannot see their own reason, how could they see mine?". The problem with this logic is that I see their reason, yet cannot see my own. Does that mean that someone out there may yet be able to help me? Or is it that I simply have no reason. Am I a ghost, still walking amongst the living? Some have said I have no life. Is that what they mean? That I am not really alive? Nothing more than a specter drifting through the world, thinking it's still alive? I cannot answer these questions. They trouble me often, yet I cannot solve them. Can someone please tell me? I would very much like to know.
