No Escape
Ky told me that when he was talking to the shrink after his suicide attempt, the shrink told him when he feeling bad to write a letter. Don't send it, just write. He told me to do the same, and that is what i'm doing here. I'm still waiting for this to help. I pour out my feelings and thoughts and put it all down here, but that just doesn't change a damned thing.
My family is apparently weirder than I had thought. While i was growing up, I learned that problems have to be dealt with quickly. Problems never go away, they only get worse. So we always deal with a situation immediately. If it is a problem between two people, we get a mediator and then deal with it. That means that in most cases, the problem is solved in five minutes or less. That goes for big problems too, so long as a mediator is present and a solution can be found. Normally, it's a nice quick painless process. Often times, when the problem is between two people, there will be some hard feelings for a little while, so we do a cool down period.
What this means is apparently my family is almost exactly opposite of the rest of the world. Other people do the cool down period, THEN deal with the problem. I think it is a sorting process. When a problem occurrs and the individual involved can't instantly find a solution, the problem is set aside. It's ignored for awhile. Sometimes the problem goes away, sorts itself out. Yay! No more problem! Nothing further to do. So that is step one. Ignore it and hope it goes away. Step two. Did it go away? No? Ignore it longer. More cool down period. That way, no stress. If it went away, see "step one". If it still didn't go away, see if the problem can be resolved by removing what is believed to be either the source of the problem, or a major contributor. If the problem seems to be caused either by a person, or by interaction with a person, stop interacting. Cut communication. Did the problem go away? If yes, see "step one". If no; I haven't yet learned what is done at this phase, because usually cutting all ties with everyone and everything involved usually gets it done.
I don't know how to do these things. Here are MY steps for problem resolution. Situation: there appears to be a problem. Step one: communicate with all involved parties to discover if there IS a problem. No problem? Good, all done. Everyone happy. If there is a problem, Step two. Communicate with all involved parties to discover just what the problem is. Step three. Is the problem personal,emotional or logical? If it is logical, all parties converse and seek a resolution. Has a resloution been found? Yes, see "step one". No, get help to resolve the problem. If the problem is personal or emotional, see "step three: No resolution". Get help. Step four. Getting help. In all variations of problem solving, help must be in the form of someone who is outside of the problem, yet understands all sides of it. If there is no one outside, yet knowledgable of the situation, find someone outside that is willing to research and evaluate the situation to make an unbiased desicion. If the third party can find a resolution; good, see "step one". If they cannot, problem is unsolvable, and best avoided.
Now here's the comparison between the two techniques. Problems with their way: It can take a LONG time, and it is easy to lose relations with others that may or may not be important to oneself, and it can cause great stress to the one being fogotten or ignored. Also, if the problem focuses around an individual, that individual is lost. Problems with my way: it requires trust in the third party to always make an unbiased desicion. Good things about their way: Very low stress for the one having the problems. Good things about my way: the situation is resolved quickly except in the most extreme, unsolvable cases. It reduces over-all stress of all involved. Also, no one is lost except in the most extreme , unsolvable cases.
No one can say that my way or their way is better in all circumstances. It depends on the situation, and the parties involved. Which technique is best depends on how important the involved parties are to each other. If it is simply a matter of a recent acquantence, then often the avoidance technique is best, because of saving time, energy, and reduced stress. If the involved parties are close, good friends or family, then it is best to use the immediate resolution way to remove the problem quickly, without the loss of ones cared about.
In the situation with Agatha and myself, from my view, we are close personal friends. I had thought she felt the same. Therefore, from my point of view, it is best to use the slightly more stressful, yet much faster to use the immediate resolution technique. That means communicate and resolve. Yet she is not communicating with me at all. Was I simply so unimportant to her that I am easily forgotten? Did she ever actually care? I don't know. Unfortunately, these questions can never be answered so long as she is using the avoidance technique. If she never cared about me, then I would be hurt, but then I would know that the friendship I thought we had never truly exhisted. That makes me a fool, but atleast I would know not to be chasing phantoms. If she DID care however, then isn't our friendship worth the effort to find a solid, permanent, peaceful resolution that does NOT destroy our relationship? I think so, but apparently she doesn't. All the evidence indicates that she never actually cared about our friendship. And yet, there is reasonable doubt. She may have. She may still. I don't know. I know I still care. And I know that our friendship means enough to me that I cannot just let go until a true resolution is found, even if that resolution is her looking me in the eye and saying "I never liked you, and I never want to speak to you again".
Ouch. Just thinking of that possibility hurts. But it is a possibility. I have to face that. So long as I don't know what she is thinking or feeling, I have to accept that possibility, no matter how much it hurts.
So, for the time being, all I can do is sit, wait, distract myself, and rot. I was going to leave World of Warcraft because she and James play it, and I didn't want to cause more problems. But then I started going stir-crazy. StarWars is dieing. It's boring these days, and I need something that can keep me at least partially distracted. So I am staying on WoW. But I have already deleted the character I was using, and even switched to the opposite side in order to avoid them as much as possible. As long as I never PVP, I should never come in contact with them. I also deleted all names on my buddy list in AIM. I only used it when I talked with her anyways, so I have no use for it anymore. I am doing everything I can to stay away so I am not a problem. But I miss her. I miss her cheerfullness. I miss her "happydance" and her giggles, and her laugh. She was the only light I had in my life, and now I don't even have that. Sorry if I'm selfish, but I am losing everything. Correction, I am losing evrything good, and just getting more bad. Again. Like always in my life. You'd think I would catch on to the pattern. Something good comes along, and brightens my life. Some time goes by and I get used to the goodness. Then goodness goes away or is taken away. Darkness deeper than before comes and swallows me whole. Every time the darkness comes, it is always deeper. I am wondering when I will ever find the bottum of it. Have I finally found it this time? Heh, What is so strange is that the only thing I find frightening is losing her. Everything else just seems weird or different. I am getting so messed up that I have not only thought of suicide, but thought of it for different reasons, depending on my feelings at the time. It doesn't worry me that I think of killing myself, and each time I think of it, it's for a different reason. That just seems strange. I am becoming casual with the idea. I wonder if that makes it serious? I wonder if that means I wasn't honestly serious before? I don't know. I have thought of killing myself to get rid of the pain. I have thought of doing it to make sure I would never be a problem to her again. I have thought of doing it, and leaving her a note saying that I did it because of how much she had hurt me (at the time I was in an angry phase and wanted her to hurt too). I don't know what to thin or feel. All I can do is just go with the flow and see what me next surge of emotion makes me think of. Sometimes, it anger, sometimes depression, othertimes, sorrow, alienation, lonelyness, fear, loss. Basically, I have been going through a rollercoaster of emotion, but my rollercoaster has no ups. My emotional rollercoaster hits every negative emotion I can imagine, and no good ones. Life sucks, and there isn't really an excape.
My family is apparently weirder than I had thought. While i was growing up, I learned that problems have to be dealt with quickly. Problems never go away, they only get worse. So we always deal with a situation immediately. If it is a problem between two people, we get a mediator and then deal with it. That means that in most cases, the problem is solved in five minutes or less. That goes for big problems too, so long as a mediator is present and a solution can be found. Normally, it's a nice quick painless process. Often times, when the problem is between two people, there will be some hard feelings for a little while, so we do a cool down period.
What this means is apparently my family is almost exactly opposite of the rest of the world. Other people do the cool down period, THEN deal with the problem. I think it is a sorting process. When a problem occurrs and the individual involved can't instantly find a solution, the problem is set aside. It's ignored for awhile. Sometimes the problem goes away, sorts itself out. Yay! No more problem! Nothing further to do. So that is step one. Ignore it and hope it goes away. Step two. Did it go away? No? Ignore it longer. More cool down period. That way, no stress. If it went away, see "step one". If it still didn't go away, see if the problem can be resolved by removing what is believed to be either the source of the problem, or a major contributor. If the problem seems to be caused either by a person, or by interaction with a person, stop interacting. Cut communication. Did the problem go away? If yes, see "step one". If no; I haven't yet learned what is done at this phase, because usually cutting all ties with everyone and everything involved usually gets it done.
I don't know how to do these things. Here are MY steps for problem resolution. Situation: there appears to be a problem. Step one: communicate with all involved parties to discover if there IS a problem. No problem? Good, all done. Everyone happy. If there is a problem, Step two. Communicate with all involved parties to discover just what the problem is. Step three. Is the problem personal,emotional or logical? If it is logical, all parties converse and seek a resolution. Has a resloution been found? Yes, see "step one". No, get help to resolve the problem. If the problem is personal or emotional, see "step three: No resolution". Get help. Step four. Getting help. In all variations of problem solving, help must be in the form of someone who is outside of the problem, yet understands all sides of it. If there is no one outside, yet knowledgable of the situation, find someone outside that is willing to research and evaluate the situation to make an unbiased desicion. If the third party can find a resolution; good, see "step one". If they cannot, problem is unsolvable, and best avoided.
Now here's the comparison between the two techniques. Problems with their way: It can take a LONG time, and it is easy to lose relations with others that may or may not be important to oneself, and it can cause great stress to the one being fogotten or ignored. Also, if the problem focuses around an individual, that individual is lost. Problems with my way: it requires trust in the third party to always make an unbiased desicion. Good things about their way: Very low stress for the one having the problems. Good things about my way: the situation is resolved quickly except in the most extreme, unsolvable cases. It reduces over-all stress of all involved. Also, no one is lost except in the most extreme , unsolvable cases.
No one can say that my way or their way is better in all circumstances. It depends on the situation, and the parties involved. Which technique is best depends on how important the involved parties are to each other. If it is simply a matter of a recent acquantence, then often the avoidance technique is best, because of saving time, energy, and reduced stress. If the involved parties are close, good friends or family, then it is best to use the immediate resolution way to remove the problem quickly, without the loss of ones cared about.
In the situation with Agatha and myself, from my view, we are close personal friends. I had thought she felt the same. Therefore, from my point of view, it is best to use the slightly more stressful, yet much faster to use the immediate resolution technique. That means communicate and resolve. Yet she is not communicating with me at all. Was I simply so unimportant to her that I am easily forgotten? Did she ever actually care? I don't know. Unfortunately, these questions can never be answered so long as she is using the avoidance technique. If she never cared about me, then I would be hurt, but then I would know that the friendship I thought we had never truly exhisted. That makes me a fool, but atleast I would know not to be chasing phantoms. If she DID care however, then isn't our friendship worth the effort to find a solid, permanent, peaceful resolution that does NOT destroy our relationship? I think so, but apparently she doesn't. All the evidence indicates that she never actually cared about our friendship. And yet, there is reasonable doubt. She may have. She may still. I don't know. I know I still care. And I know that our friendship means enough to me that I cannot just let go until a true resolution is found, even if that resolution is her looking me in the eye and saying "I never liked you, and I never want to speak to you again".
Ouch. Just thinking of that possibility hurts. But it is a possibility. I have to face that. So long as I don't know what she is thinking or feeling, I have to accept that possibility, no matter how much it hurts.
So, for the time being, all I can do is sit, wait, distract myself, and rot. I was going to leave World of Warcraft because she and James play it, and I didn't want to cause more problems. But then I started going stir-crazy. StarWars is dieing. It's boring these days, and I need something that can keep me at least partially distracted. So I am staying on WoW. But I have already deleted the character I was using, and even switched to the opposite side in order to avoid them as much as possible. As long as I never PVP, I should never come in contact with them. I also deleted all names on my buddy list in AIM. I only used it when I talked with her anyways, so I have no use for it anymore. I am doing everything I can to stay away so I am not a problem. But I miss her. I miss her cheerfullness. I miss her "happydance" and her giggles, and her laugh. She was the only light I had in my life, and now I don't even have that. Sorry if I'm selfish, but I am losing everything. Correction, I am losing evrything good, and just getting more bad. Again. Like always in my life. You'd think I would catch on to the pattern. Something good comes along, and brightens my life. Some time goes by and I get used to the goodness. Then goodness goes away or is taken away. Darkness deeper than before comes and swallows me whole. Every time the darkness comes, it is always deeper. I am wondering when I will ever find the bottum of it. Have I finally found it this time? Heh, What is so strange is that the only thing I find frightening is losing her. Everything else just seems weird or different. I am getting so messed up that I have not only thought of suicide, but thought of it for different reasons, depending on my feelings at the time. It doesn't worry me that I think of killing myself, and each time I think of it, it's for a different reason. That just seems strange. I am becoming casual with the idea. I wonder if that makes it serious? I wonder if that means I wasn't honestly serious before? I don't know. I have thought of killing myself to get rid of the pain. I have thought of doing it to make sure I would never be a problem to her again. I have thought of doing it, and leaving her a note saying that I did it because of how much she had hurt me (at the time I was in an angry phase and wanted her to hurt too). I don't know what to thin or feel. All I can do is just go with the flow and see what me next surge of emotion makes me think of. Sometimes, it anger, sometimes depression, othertimes, sorrow, alienation, lonelyness, fear, loss. Basically, I have been going through a rollercoaster of emotion, but my rollercoaster has no ups. My emotional rollercoaster hits every negative emotion I can imagine, and no good ones. Life sucks, and there isn't really an excape.
posted by Rodry Logan at 7:19 AM
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