I'm Back
Well, I'll still even now alive. Sort of. Isn't it wonderful that I'm finally posting again, and still I have only depressing things to post about. Sorry. That's my life.
I have spent most of my life trying to avoid people because in my experience almost all of them want to hurt me. I don't think it's anything person, I just make a good victim. So because of this, I have always tried to not get close to anyone. I always try to maintain an emotional barrier. Also, I have trained myself to be able to stop caring about almost anyone whenever their actions hurt me. Unfortunately, I have vulnerabilities. I try not to care about my mom and sister because the choices they made for themselves hurt them, and therefore me as well. I am only partially successful at not caring. When I do not talk to them for awhile, the pain subsides, but whenever they call, it springs back up full force.
I had thought that they and my best friend Ky, who is like a brother to me, were the only ones that I could not stop caring for despite how their actions hurt me. I was wrong.
I was medically discharged from the Army Sep 1, 2004. I returned home to Michigan to my family only to find that they had allowed themselves to drop further into bad situations. This hurt me since I had only allowed myself to join the Army once I was certain that they could fend for themselves. The pain sprang back up.
I made arrangements with Ky to move down to Corpus Christi, TX where I had mostly grown up. I felt that I could do better there. I thought that being so far from my family, and being around Ky again would help me to rise from my depression and reach my goals. Also, I was looking forward to seeing Ky's little sister Agatha again. I had always thought of her as if she were my own little sister, and I care for her very much. I wanted to be a perfect big brother to her. I felt that perhaps I could help her to not make the same mistakes I, Ky, and so many others I have cared for had made. When I got here, I was quite surprised to find that Agatha was almost 21, and had been living with her boyfriend for nearly a year. It took some getting used to, but he seems like a nice guy.
I was happy because she was happy. My god, I had not realized what a tangled web of deception and manipulation was capable. She is living with James. James has an old "friend" John. John is living with his girlfriend Alyssa. John and Alyssa want James all to themselves. They apparently hate Agatha. But Agatha is with James. James has stopped hanging around John and Alyssa because they constantly cause problems and belittle Agatha. But John won't let it go. He continues to create problems. And to make matters worse, James and John work in the same company, all be it, in different departments. Now let's add more boom to this already explosive mixture. I started working there also. And on top of that, I work in John's department, and he is actually my supervisor. Here's where things get bad.
John started out telling the boss that I shouldn't work there. Now he's trying to be all buddy-buddy with me. I mostly just ignore him and go about my business. He does what he calls "Aggie-bashing". I don't like it, but I know what he says isn't true, and I think I'm a big enough man to just ignore it.
I should mention now that I have problems knowing when to shut up, and which questions I should not ask. This does not mean I blab everything, I just talk a lot whenever I am worried about something or nervous. Despite what some believe, even when I talk a lot, I do have pretty good discretion about what I say.
I have screwed up quite a bit lately. When I was talking with Agatha on AIM, I thought she said she told her boyfriend that she would be staying in town with her family during the hurricane scare. In actuality, she said she WANTED to say that to him. But she didn't. I missed that. Not to big a thing, right? Until it gets complicated. I told her brother that she was staying. Then, when she left town with James, Ky felt abandoned and hurt. When he feels hurt, he turns it into anger. So he got angry at her. And it was my fault. It didn't help that she didn't say goodbye to him when she was leaving either, but that's a minor things that just added in. Okay, one screw up down.
On to the next. James is a naturally closed person. He doesn't talk about much except computers. I tried to help him to relax around me and open up a little. Oops. I asked questions that offended him, but he is too nice of a guy to tell me to shut the hell up. I wish he had said that to me. We had a nice long talk. And he accidentally told me something he wasn't supposed to. Nothing crucial, just personal finances that were none of my business. He told me not to tell Agatha. Nice dilemma. Betray his trust, or hers? Then I figured it out. A compromise. I would not volunteer the fact that he had told me, but if she asked directly, then I would tell her the truth. She asked directly. Ouch. So she gets mad at him. And he's probably mad at me for telling her. I apologized to him for telling her and explained that I can't lie to her. He said he understands, but I'm sure he's still a little peeved, and doesn't trust me much anymore. All because I had a talk with him.
Enter John again. Mr. Problem. John has been talking with me about James and Agatha. I think he finally realized that I won't turn against Agatha no matter what he says because he starts saying it's not her fault that James has changed. That's a total reversal of everything he's said before. He says "It's not Aggie, it's Aggie with James that is the problem". You can hear the gears grinding as he's trying to formulate a plan. I figured he just gave up on trying to turn me against Agatha, and is trying to get my trust. Like that'll ever happen. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. So I don't dispute what he says. I almost never do. It's often a good idea to hear what your enemy is planning so you can take steps to foil his plans. But apparently he doesn't trust me that much. Oh well.
Dinner with Agatha! Ky and I had dinner with Agatha Monday evening and we just hung out and had a good time. She told me that my questions had been making her and James angry. Okay, so now I know. That evening, the next day, on through the week I speak and ask nothing of James or Agatha that does not have to do with World Of Warcraft, their favorite game I was planning on trying out for myself. Tuesday evening, I turned on my computer and saw that Agatha was logged onto AIM. So I sent her a "hello". No response. That's expected because she was at work in the school computer lab. No problem. A half hour rolls by and I start wondering if John had pulled something. I asked "are you busy, or mad at me?". No response. Okay. Then she logs off AIM. I figure something's going on, so I sent her an e-mail asking if she was mad. No more than 2 minutes after I send it, she logs back onto AIM. I send her a "hello". She says "hi", we talk, I ask if she's mad at me for something. She says mildly to moderately. I think "that explains a lot". But then she says she was busy doing work, and she wasn't ignoring me. Okay, cool. Glad to hear it. But then, why is she angry? She asks me "did you send John to the trailer to start drama during my lunch time?". I said no I didn't. Because I hadn't. *lightbulb glows dimly*. Then she asks "did you tell John I need to talk to him?". I say no, because I hadn't. *lightbulb glows brightly*. So that's what he's up to. He can't turn me against her, so he'll bother her and say I told him to. Nice. I didn't see that one coming. So he managed to make her angry at me. When I didn't have anything to do with it.
Enter WoW. I started playing WoW and was working my way up the levels when I finally got to Orgrimar, the Horde main city. I have been warned that when entering Org with no guild tag, one with get mass guild invites. Damn, I want to go in, but there's no one I know online to lend me a tag except John. Well, he owes me after the crap he pulled. So I accepted his guild invite. Yes, I'm THAT stupid. I could have just accepted the first guild offer sent to me. Atleast then I would have nothing to do with John. Oops.
So I'm wandering around Orgrimar, enjoying the peace and checking things out, when I see that James and Agatha logged on. Keep in mind, I'm still using JOHN'S guild tag! Agatha is away from keyboard, but James is there. So I talk with him. I didn't know that you could [shift]-click a person's name and see there class, level, and guild title. So the night rolls on, and I log off. The next morning, the Boss and I are questing when I see that Agatha came online. So I sent her a "hello". In nice Red letters it said "{censored} is ignoring you". I can't breathe. I try, but the air won't come. She put me on her ignore list. I don't know how it is in WoW, but in StarWars Galaxies, you only put enemies on your ignore list. *knife in chest twists*. Okay, deep breaths, deep breaths. Over reacting, huh? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe one of the 2 people I care about above all others hates me. So I tell the Boss "how do I send mail in this game?". At the mailbox in town. Okay, I'm gonna go to town and then log off. I go to town and send her an in-game mail asking her what I did that was so horrible, then I log off. I layed in bed for 6 hours wondering when it occurred to me James knew my class, he must have noticed the tag. And told Agatha I was wearing it. So she probably thinks I'm getting friendly with John, especially after he showed up and told her I said to. Nice. Real nice. So I wait all day for a response, and it occurs to me, I don't even know how to check mail in this game. So I ask James. He says "at the mailbox". Talk about inefficiency. In SWG mail can be done from anywhere to anywhere anytime, all instantaneous. So now I don't even know if she even checks her game mailbox. So I ask James to ask her to check her game mail. No response. Okay, maybe he's busy and didn't see my request. I won't be pushy. I try not to be, but often fail. So I log out. I'm freaking out, and confused, and hurt. So I'm not exactly thinking straight. So I figure maybe she doesn't check her game mail. It's very inconvenient, so maybe she doesn't bother. I don't know, she's not talking to me.
So I sent her an e-mail in RL asking her what I did wrong, giving what I thought maybe the reasons, and the explanations for it all. I know she checks her RL email often. No response. I know she got it. I'm sure she saw it. Is she so angry that she just deleted it without reading it? I don't know.
All I do know, is that she is VERY angry at me, possibly feels betrayed, and I can't stop thinking about it. I tend to be obsessive. If something is bothering me, I can normally find a solution to the problem fairly quickly. But how do I solve a problem with a friend if she won't listen to me? I don't know.
In and around all this, I've stopped eating, I'm constantly depressed, I smoke way more than normal, and I've even thought of suicide. Seriously. For the first time in my life I thought of suicide. I thought "If I kill myself and leave a note that I did it to prove my loyalty to her, maybe she'd forgive me". Even more stupid. I even planned it out right down to location, method, and timing. A sharp serated steak knife cutting diagonally across the carotid artery is a 5 minute death, and totally unstoppable. The only reason I am still here is because I realized I can't leave Ky alone in this world. He has too much pain. Then later on, I realized that if I had gone through with it, I would have heaped a load of guilt on her, and I can't do that. So I sit. And I suffer. I only wish she'd talk to me. Ky says "if she's angry, give her a cool down period". This from a man who takes grudges to the grave. Her whole family goes by the vendetta, and I'm afraid she may as well. I'm afraid she'll never talk to me again. I don't know how long I can hold on. It hurts. I have to go now.
I have spent most of my life trying to avoid people because in my experience almost all of them want to hurt me. I don't think it's anything person, I just make a good victim. So because of this, I have always tried to not get close to anyone. I always try to maintain an emotional barrier. Also, I have trained myself to be able to stop caring about almost anyone whenever their actions hurt me. Unfortunately, I have vulnerabilities. I try not to care about my mom and sister because the choices they made for themselves hurt them, and therefore me as well. I am only partially successful at not caring. When I do not talk to them for awhile, the pain subsides, but whenever they call, it springs back up full force.
I had thought that they and my best friend Ky, who is like a brother to me, were the only ones that I could not stop caring for despite how their actions hurt me. I was wrong.
I was medically discharged from the Army Sep 1, 2004. I returned home to Michigan to my family only to find that they had allowed themselves to drop further into bad situations. This hurt me since I had only allowed myself to join the Army once I was certain that they could fend for themselves. The pain sprang back up.
I made arrangements with Ky to move down to Corpus Christi, TX where I had mostly grown up. I felt that I could do better there. I thought that being so far from my family, and being around Ky again would help me to rise from my depression and reach my goals. Also, I was looking forward to seeing Ky's little sister Agatha again. I had always thought of her as if she were my own little sister, and I care for her very much. I wanted to be a perfect big brother to her. I felt that perhaps I could help her to not make the same mistakes I, Ky, and so many others I have cared for had made. When I got here, I was quite surprised to find that Agatha was almost 21, and had been living with her boyfriend for nearly a year. It took some getting used to, but he seems like a nice guy.
I was happy because she was happy. My god, I had not realized what a tangled web of deception and manipulation was capable. She is living with James. James has an old "friend" John. John is living with his girlfriend Alyssa. John and Alyssa want James all to themselves. They apparently hate Agatha. But Agatha is with James. James has stopped hanging around John and Alyssa because they constantly cause problems and belittle Agatha. But John won't let it go. He continues to create problems. And to make matters worse, James and John work in the same company, all be it, in different departments. Now let's add more boom to this already explosive mixture. I started working there also. And on top of that, I work in John's department, and he is actually my supervisor. Here's where things get bad.
John started out telling the boss that I shouldn't work there. Now he's trying to be all buddy-buddy with me. I mostly just ignore him and go about my business. He does what he calls "Aggie-bashing". I don't like it, but I know what he says isn't true, and I think I'm a big enough man to just ignore it.
I should mention now that I have problems knowing when to shut up, and which questions I should not ask. This does not mean I blab everything, I just talk a lot whenever I am worried about something or nervous. Despite what some believe, even when I talk a lot, I do have pretty good discretion about what I say.
I have screwed up quite a bit lately. When I was talking with Agatha on AIM, I thought she said she told her boyfriend that she would be staying in town with her family during the hurricane scare. In actuality, she said she WANTED to say that to him. But she didn't. I missed that. Not to big a thing, right? Until it gets complicated. I told her brother that she was staying. Then, when she left town with James, Ky felt abandoned and hurt. When he feels hurt, he turns it into anger. So he got angry at her. And it was my fault. It didn't help that she didn't say goodbye to him when she was leaving either, but that's a minor things that just added in. Okay, one screw up down.
On to the next. James is a naturally closed person. He doesn't talk about much except computers. I tried to help him to relax around me and open up a little. Oops. I asked questions that offended him, but he is too nice of a guy to tell me to shut the hell up. I wish he had said that to me. We had a nice long talk. And he accidentally told me something he wasn't supposed to. Nothing crucial, just personal finances that were none of my business. He told me not to tell Agatha. Nice dilemma. Betray his trust, or hers? Then I figured it out. A compromise. I would not volunteer the fact that he had told me, but if she asked directly, then I would tell her the truth. She asked directly. Ouch. So she gets mad at him. And he's probably mad at me for telling her. I apologized to him for telling her and explained that I can't lie to her. He said he understands, but I'm sure he's still a little peeved, and doesn't trust me much anymore. All because I had a talk with him.
Enter John again. Mr. Problem. John has been talking with me about James and Agatha. I think he finally realized that I won't turn against Agatha no matter what he says because he starts saying it's not her fault that James has changed. That's a total reversal of everything he's said before. He says "It's not Aggie, it's Aggie with James that is the problem". You can hear the gears grinding as he's trying to formulate a plan. I figured he just gave up on trying to turn me against Agatha, and is trying to get my trust. Like that'll ever happen. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. So I don't dispute what he says. I almost never do. It's often a good idea to hear what your enemy is planning so you can take steps to foil his plans. But apparently he doesn't trust me that much. Oh well.
Dinner with Agatha! Ky and I had dinner with Agatha Monday evening and we just hung out and had a good time. She told me that my questions had been making her and James angry. Okay, so now I know. That evening, the next day, on through the week I speak and ask nothing of James or Agatha that does not have to do with World Of Warcraft, their favorite game I was planning on trying out for myself. Tuesday evening, I turned on my computer and saw that Agatha was logged onto AIM. So I sent her a "hello". No response. That's expected because she was at work in the school computer lab. No problem. A half hour rolls by and I start wondering if John had pulled something. I asked "are you busy, or mad at me?". No response. Okay. Then she logs off AIM. I figure something's going on, so I sent her an e-mail asking if she was mad. No more than 2 minutes after I send it, she logs back onto AIM. I send her a "hello". She says "hi", we talk, I ask if she's mad at me for something. She says mildly to moderately. I think "that explains a lot". But then she says she was busy doing work, and she wasn't ignoring me. Okay, cool. Glad to hear it. But then, why is she angry? She asks me "did you send John to the trailer to start drama during my lunch time?". I said no I didn't. Because I hadn't. *lightbulb glows dimly*. Then she asks "did you tell John I need to talk to him?". I say no, because I hadn't. *lightbulb glows brightly*. So that's what he's up to. He can't turn me against her, so he'll bother her and say I told him to. Nice. I didn't see that one coming. So he managed to make her angry at me. When I didn't have anything to do with it.
Enter WoW. I started playing WoW and was working my way up the levels when I finally got to Orgrimar, the Horde main city. I have been warned that when entering Org with no guild tag, one with get mass guild invites. Damn, I want to go in, but there's no one I know online to lend me a tag except John. Well, he owes me after the crap he pulled. So I accepted his guild invite. Yes, I'm THAT stupid. I could have just accepted the first guild offer sent to me. Atleast then I would have nothing to do with John. Oops.
So I'm wandering around Orgrimar, enjoying the peace and checking things out, when I see that James and Agatha logged on. Keep in mind, I'm still using JOHN'S guild tag! Agatha is away from keyboard, but James is there. So I talk with him. I didn't know that you could [shift]-click a person's name and see there class, level, and guild title. So the night rolls on, and I log off. The next morning, the Boss and I are questing when I see that Agatha came online. So I sent her a "hello". In nice Red letters it said "{censored} is ignoring you". I can't breathe. I try, but the air won't come. She put me on her ignore list. I don't know how it is in WoW, but in StarWars Galaxies, you only put enemies on your ignore list. *knife in chest twists*. Okay, deep breaths, deep breaths. Over reacting, huh? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe one of the 2 people I care about above all others hates me. So I tell the Boss "how do I send mail in this game?". At the mailbox in town. Okay, I'm gonna go to town and then log off. I go to town and send her an in-game mail asking her what I did that was so horrible, then I log off. I layed in bed for 6 hours wondering when it occurred to me James knew my class, he must have noticed the tag. And told Agatha I was wearing it. So she probably thinks I'm getting friendly with John, especially after he showed up and told her I said to. Nice. Real nice. So I wait all day for a response, and it occurs to me, I don't even know how to check mail in this game. So I ask James. He says "at the mailbox". Talk about inefficiency. In SWG mail can be done from anywhere to anywhere anytime, all instantaneous. So now I don't even know if she even checks her game mailbox. So I ask James to ask her to check her game mail. No response. Okay, maybe he's busy and didn't see my request. I won't be pushy. I try not to be, but often fail. So I log out. I'm freaking out, and confused, and hurt. So I'm not exactly thinking straight. So I figure maybe she doesn't check her game mail. It's very inconvenient, so maybe she doesn't bother. I don't know, she's not talking to me.
So I sent her an e-mail in RL asking her what I did wrong, giving what I thought maybe the reasons, and the explanations for it all. I know she checks her RL email often. No response. I know she got it. I'm sure she saw it. Is she so angry that she just deleted it without reading it? I don't know.
All I do know, is that she is VERY angry at me, possibly feels betrayed, and I can't stop thinking about it. I tend to be obsessive. If something is bothering me, I can normally find a solution to the problem fairly quickly. But how do I solve a problem with a friend if she won't listen to me? I don't know.
In and around all this, I've stopped eating, I'm constantly depressed, I smoke way more than normal, and I've even thought of suicide. Seriously. For the first time in my life I thought of suicide. I thought "If I kill myself and leave a note that I did it to prove my loyalty to her, maybe she'd forgive me". Even more stupid. I even planned it out right down to location, method, and timing. A sharp serated steak knife cutting diagonally across the carotid artery is a 5 minute death, and totally unstoppable. The only reason I am still here is because I realized I can't leave Ky alone in this world. He has too much pain. Then later on, I realized that if I had gone through with it, I would have heaped a load of guilt on her, and I can't do that. So I sit. And I suffer. I only wish she'd talk to me. Ky says "if she's angry, give her a cool down period". This from a man who takes grudges to the grave. Her whole family goes by the vendetta, and I'm afraid she may as well. I'm afraid she'll never talk to me again. I don't know how long I can hold on. It hurts. I have to go now.
posted by Rodry Logan at 5:45 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home